…I have very little to say…so this is gonna go on for a while…
Wow. Major misunderstanding on my part. Here, I thought you wanted to be friends, however, it seems you were just biding your time until this, uh…show of maturity? So, how did our presumably friendly online chat take such an unprovoked turn?
Well, you instigated the chat to wish me happy holidays…or so I thought. (I’ve always been gullible—apparently still am.) The conversation turned to the subject of children, during which I sensed a beating on the chest, of sorts, on your bringing up of your own, and it sounded like your life was pretty much defined by your success in that accomplishment. How nice, I thought. But, it all turned quite unpleasant after you asked why I had none. My answer, which was neither here nor there, should have ended the kid talk, but instead, prompted a flurry of choice words from you…too old now…then…you missed that…”that,” as I understood it, being the joy and/or experience of the child-rearing process, which you had just expressed a moment before. I was incredulous of such crass remarks, so, to clarify, asked, What did I miss? Another flurry…ask your mom…ask your sister…confirmed my hunch. My subsequent silence was not because you seemed to have struck a nerve, as you so delicately put it, but was because I was so taken aback. That’s right, I’ll never know what it’s like to raise a child, is that what you mean? Your response of no was followed quickly with accusations of my tendency to jump to conclusions about one’s thoughts, as well as a mild expletive and insult, before running away. I was dumbfounded. And the entire interaction reeked of taunting.
So, just to set the record straight, I’m happy for folks who have children—even you—and, although I have none of my own, I am not at all sensitive to that fact. So, no, no nerve was struck, as you concluded (seems I’m not the only one who wrongly assumes what one is thinking). But, yes, I do often jump to conclusions about others’ thoughts. I look too deeply into people’s words and form assumptions…sometimes wrong…but not here. Your words kinda spoke for themselves.
So, no feelings were hurt, however, your retribution under the guise of friendship was not only underhanded, but disappointing.
Please note that Yoga for Cynics is not the subject of this post…I just loved the quote.
Grace
T
8noodles
justin
YogaforCynics
Whoa – not sure what that was all about but I’m glad you got said what you needed to say…
Grace´s last blog post ..Emily and Me
Came at ya a little fast, did it? Yep, I said here what I didn’t get a chance to say at the time.
Oh my god. I just read your chat and I could not believe someone would be so insensitive. For one thing Its nobodies business but yours. Sounds like a conversation from 1950 in Alabama. Sorry you had to encounter that. Dont let it stop you from having fun. Your a sweetheart with a warm heart. Thinking about it .That would never have happened where I live. Kind of weird. Very hurtful in nature. You take care Holly.
Hi there, Ric. Yeah, there was a definite air of machismo there. Blech. But, like I said elsewhere, I didn’t find those words hurtful at all…just maddening. Still, like you said, I couldn’t believe the insensitivity either, even though I shoulda known better. :o/ Thanks for the kind words, though. Ya know I appreciate them!
Hmmmm…generally people with kids who feel the need to go around trying to make people feel bad about missing the “joy of parenthood” are not joyous parents–they’re miserable parents and trying to make others as miserable as they are.
YogaforCynics´s last blog post ..2011- The Year the Yoga Cynic Goes Legit
Hi drjay. That could very well be part of it…I hadn’t thought of that…however, there’s some history here, and apparently, a grudge still exists for my wrongdoing once upon a time. (News flash! ETH is no angel!) Still, posing as a “friend,” then acting like that…blech.
Whew, I was thinking this was a rant at drjay – but it appears from his comment and your reply that you only quoted him at the beginning.
How does someone read your chat? It must be a Twitter thing, which is something I’m clueless about. So, it’s not bad enough to have a chat go all sour …..but others can read the chat too? Yikes.
Sounds like your friend is stuck back there in the Cult of the Baby, that godawful era that I was hoping we were cycling out of. I like few things less than I do a woman who crowns herself some sort of modern madonna because of a successful biological act. Don’t get me going on this! I honestly think that there are as many happy childless people living fulfilled lives as there are people with kids feeling fulfilled because they made a family unit. In any case, Furthermore, I think that at the heart of parenthood –if you scratch below the surface– is a big lot of ego and selfishness. I do not regret not having been a birth mom…there are so many other ways to give love and to make a difference in the lives of kids and generations other than your own.
Lydia´s last blog post ..Mag 47 – Pretzel People
Oh my! No, no, not drjay…I just happen to love that quote of his, and I knew I was gonna ramble on.
About the chat, I think my friend meant “post,” so all should be okay.
I agree, Lydia, and I don’t begrudge folks for what they have, no matter what it is, so this is where this person miscalculated. I wasn’t hurt by the insensitivity (though, surprised)…or anything else…just peeved that all was cloaked with friendship.
Hi Holly. Just my 2cents, but as a mother and animal lover, I honestly feel that you didn’t miss anything — because “That” is what you share with your Lucy. Our relationship/love with our animals can be just as strong as what we have towards our kids. I personally can not stand people who define by themselves in their accomplishment as a parent.
Lynda´s last blog post ..the worst blogger
Hi, Lynda. Yes, I do share that with Lucy, and I realize that to some people our pets are “just animals,” but we keepers of them know differently. Kudos to you and others who nurture both children AND animals. Holy cow…Lucy alone is a handful, and I often wonder how you guys do it. Thanks for your “2cents!”
The FB chat thing always makes me a bit nervous, but it’s never led me down this particular road! I’m glad you could get this off your chest, irritated by this person who was holding a grudge and then being a jerk. As a parent, I don’t really understand the cult of the child, except sometimes the kid is all you got, but that has nothing to do with whether other people have children or not.
I like that one of the related posts is Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Jackasses.
Jennifer´s last blog post ..Its the life that I choose
I think I know what you mean about the chat…I usually only use it with family members and opt for email with everyone else, even if they’re on-line. And, yes, I feel better about getting my two cents out there, although some ETH visitors may not feel the same. Sorry guys. :o/ I can definitely understand that devotion and that’s great, but I agree with you that it doesn’t pertain to others’ situations. I’m certain that this person intended to rub the parenthood thing in my face, albeit unsuccessfully.
Ah, yes, that other post…funny that that should appear here…
Twitter: junkdrawer
God, how I hate that “oh, don’t be so sensitive” sort of thing. I’ve been lucky to not have this happen to me. I’ve freely admitted to being childless-by-choice, but only if asked. I don’t go around touting all the benefits of being child-free or what my reasoning is for choosing this lifestyle. It is nobody’s business what people choose to do in their lives, whether it involves children or not. As long as the choice doesn’t hurt others. I’m sorry for your experience. But I feel like you got plenty off your chest and I betcha you feel better!
Love ya, Holly!
Junk Drawer Kathy´s last blog post ..What’s That Friday
I know, Kathy, and I don’t think most parents go around gloating, but then again, I’m not around them very much, either. The ones I am around, do not. This was more of a sneak attack, which I shoulda known would happen sooner or later. I’m so stoopid sometimes. :o/ But thank you, Kathy. *hugs* to ya from me ‘n Lucy!
Hi Holly,
Sorry you had this upsetting conversation with this person. Grrrrr…. When will we just let people be who they are without judging or putting our own values on their lives? Ohhhh…now I’m all worked up. This is going to call for pie.
Bossy Betty´s last blog post ..My New Camera
Thanks, Bossy Betty. And why didn’t I think of pie instead of ranting and upsetting ETH’s visitors?! Holy cow, Lucy’s ready to put ME on a leash!
(pssst…W likes your comment…I think the pie has something to do with it. :o))
Actually, on first glance, I thought this was directed toward me, too…was thinkin’ “what?! when did we ever talk about children??!!”…but figured it out soon enough. Nonetheless, the little box for the quote works nicely to clarify things.
YogaforCynics´s last blog post ..2011- The Year the Yoga Cynic Goes Legit
Oh my…I’m so sorry, drjay. And I’m glad the blockquote clarifies things. It didn’t occur to me that you’d be perceived as the (fill in the blank). Uh oh, yer not gonna ban me from linkin’ to Y4C, are ya? Holy cow, I need a proofreader!
Twitter: plasmanc
Hi Holly.
Sounds like a heavy chat to me. Things like this have happened to me before and I tend just to walk away from them.
I have kids but I would never preach to those who don’t. People should be able to make their own choices in life. Sadly, Mrs PM won’t let me shave all of my hair off – so I can’t always make my own choices.
:0)
Cheers
PM
Plastic Mancunian´s last blog post ..Skool Daze
Hi PM, and so sorry to be so late replying.
Ha…heavy chat is right, and I did walk away…will not likely “speak” with this person ever again. And I think I’d have to side with Mrs. PM on you shaving your head. Those locks of yours are to be cherished!
Twitter: lizklim
I have been there and just like you I over think! I am still learning to be comfortable in my own skin and not afraid to show it!
Hi Elizabeth and thanks for stopping by. Yes, the overthinking always does me in…must back off!
Wether you are childless by choice or accident it’s no-ones business but yours and not a thing to be taunted for or judged upon. I think people who are so wrapped up in their children that they can’t imagine anyone wanting something different can sometimes be tactless and maybe no harm is meant by their words, but there is a difference between a lack of tact and an unsubtle questioning of your priorities, choices or opportunities. I am not surprised it got your hackles up. Sometimes I come in for the same crap. I never wanted kids. Being a mother is not for me, and I think I made a wise decision not to have any. Occasionally I am asked by strangers about my kids, as if their existence is a sure thing. When I say I have none, with some people you can see a flash of panic and a list of possible disasters being ticked off in their minds – “Oooh crap, did she have a series of miscarriages, is there something wrong ‘down there’, did her child die, is she a scary nutcase who couldn’t get a man, or even *gasp horror* a lesbian?” It never crosses some people’s minds that I might not have wanted them. And when I assure them it was by choice they look at me wonderingly and you can see them thinking “oh, ok, just weird and unnatural then”. THAT attitude is what makes me want to spit. The “you are just not complete unless you breed” attitude is old and insulting. You totally have my sympathies.
The Aethernaut´s last blog post ..Happy Cephalopodmas!
Ha! I love this comment, Aethernaut. Aren’t people something? I don’t know what, but something. Geesh. I think I must not socialize enough to run into these types. My friends who have kids are kind and wouldn’t say these things, even if they think them. This particular one, though, has a grudge and thought I’d be hurt over this crap. They thought wrong, and I feel for the child, as it probably grew up around this arrogance.
Twitter: chrissymarie321
I am just so glad that you and DRJAY are ok…when I first read this post, I confess I was quite worried too! You and Yoga have been friends for so long, I would have been quite upset if that had been the case and I really couldn’t comprehend him in the role painted here.
Made me think that I would really hate to have a misunderstanding with my long term blogging friends!
However, normality is restored, just a nasty bump into a very unhappy person….
Chrissy´s last blog post ..Musing
Geezy…only a month late replying…so sorry, Chrissy! Yes, drjay and I are fine. I do regret that I was unclear, though, as there couldn’t have been a worse mix-up. The intended and drjay are on opposite ends of the “kind and compassionate” scale.