Today I was going through old photos—old being last spring—and came across ones that I had taken while on a visit to family in Kentucky. So I spent some time skimming hundreds of captures during my week there in early May…bumblebees on sweet peas, as-of-yet unidentified butterflies and moths, daisy-like flowers that are probably weeds, three-leaved clovers…and I was suddenly overcome with sadness. Through all those images, grief re-emerged over my father, who, unbeknownst to us at the time, had only another six months of life left. I remember taking all of those photographs last spring as I walked the fringes of his small hay bottom, stopping now and then to take in the complete silence and gaze at the old house up the road—the one I had spent my first few years in. I chased flying insects from grass blade to flower head and after returning to the house I remember him asking me what I was doing outside and him not really understanding when I told him I was photographing flowers and bugs…just as he didn’t understand W and me wanting to drive cross country five years earlier. “Why do you want to do that?” he had asked.
Many of his attitudes perplexed me, but at least he was here to perplex.
So I guess that’s how the grief thing works. Time helps heal the wound until one brushes up too closely against its memories.
I’m sorry, Holly. Grief really does sneak up on us and it comes up at some surprising times. Strange to have it mixed in with pictures of spring and growth. It’s all part of the cycle of life, I guess, but some parts of the cycle suck.
Jennifer´s last blog post ..Can’t comment? Let me know.
Thanks, Jennifer, but I’m fine. That sneaking up really does catch one off guard sometimes. Funny thing is, it’s sometimes welcome because it helps me remember, or not forget, rather.
What a lovely post…guess that’s the thing about photos, they give us realistic views of the past…what’s lost…that are precious to us but can also make it that much harder to let go…
(and, by the way, for me, photos from last spring would definitely be very, very old, as that was before I got my digital camera…)
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Thank you, drjay. Yeah, the photos are tough, especially those that span my extended stay when he was sick. The vibes from the earlier photos were more carefree…when they were taken, I had no doubt that he would be okay. The very last photo I took of my dad was of him and my mom in their darkened living room taking naps in their chairs and Lucy asleep in the floor in front of them. When I look back at that photo, I can’t believe how old he looked. I didn’t see that before. And now I ramble…
Isn’t the digital camera great?
Twitter: craftybird
I’m so sorry Holly. Fresh grief seems to need that yearly cycle to go by before it stops being quite so sharp – every cyclical change will remind us. My brother died during one of the most spectacularly beautiful springtimes I have ever seen and the beauty seemed almost obscene contrasted with him in his hospital bed. The following summer was dim and grey, but the summer after? Beautiful. And I was overwhelmed with thoughts of him, but by then I’d had time to come to terms with what happened and the memories were of him as the big person full of life that I knew, and they were a comfort. The tugging of memory is always there but it becomes livable with, the person becomes someone who lives inside you and you can always hold them close there. Sorry to ramble,
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Thanks so much for the kinds words, Bird. I am fine. And you didn’t ramble at all.
I am so sorry that you lost your brother…you are a young person so he must not have been very old, something that must have made his passing especially hard.
I know this will get easier, It’s the “tugging of memory” as you put it, that is so strong now.
A fabulous photo and a very lovely essay…
Grace´s last blog post ..Not feeling all that well so sticking with pet pics and other oddments
Thanks, Grace, I’m glad you liked them. I’ll pass along the compliment on the pic to W… :o)
Twitter: emcogneato
Hugs to you and lots of comfort. Grief is a strange thing.
emcogNEATO!´s last blog post ..Oh Happy Day!
Thanks so much, Em, and I’m fine. Yes, it is very strange…a most powerful emotion.
I hope your birthday was great oh Pisces one!
you’ve written a lovely posting here Holly.
koe´s last blog post ..the street where we live
Thank you, koe. I’m glad you liked it. I’m going to try to write more…even if it’s just a snippet. I think a badly written snippet may be easier to digest than something lengthy. Of course I’ll try not to write bad anything! :o)
Twitter: chrissymarie321
I love this photo ………
Hugs XXX
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Thank you, Chrissy. I kinda liked it too…the poor unfurled one among the adults! Thank you for the *hugs*! :o)
Grief does have a way of sneaking back in. Just when you think you’re over it a memory pops up and it starts all over again. My father passed away in 1993 and for years I couldn’t watch a video with him in it without crying my eyes out. It will get easier, you’ll always miss him but you’ll remember with smiles instead of tears.
On a lighter note, that is a beautiful shot and such a welcome sight.
ann´s last blog post ..From my desk
Thanks so much for the kind words, ann. Yeah, I know it’ll be easier eventually…I just like to recount these feelings, ’cause I don’t wanna forget.
I’m glad you like the photo and I agree that on the welcome sight thing. No more white or gray!