Last week, way too much time was spent overworking the idea of whether or not to send the sibling a card for her wedding anniversary. I couldn’t decide whether to let the occasion pass, unrecognized, or acknowledge it and fret that having done so would give the wrong impression: that all’s forgiven for recent bad behavior. And I wasn’t sure of my motivation…a kind gesture or a preemptive strike, of sorts?
The point is, though, is that following a full morning of this indecisiveness over the card, W made an observation. He noticed—actually, he’s noticed for years, I’m afraid—that I stress myself to no end to win approval, friendship, love, whatever, from those who, for whatever reason, don’t fully appreciate the effort. In turn, he and Lucy, who genuinely care, get the short end of the stick…no energy left to give them the attention and love that they deserve. They’re slighted, left on the sidelines to endure my boring match of should I shouldn’t I lobs concerning others. I’ve apparently operated this way my entire life, and although it felt uncomfortable, I’ve never looked closely to see what was going on. If I had, I would’ve realized that it is a waste of time and energy and worst of all, extremely selfish.
So, what gives? While I’m not sure if I’m a textbook people-pleaser, I sure do have a scary number of traits: having a hard time saying “no,” trying to fulfill others’ expectations, always seeking validation, feeling others are in control…shall I go on? I won’t, as I’m getting woozy, and you might too.
So yes, I sent the card. And no, I’m not agonizing over it, because being thoughtful never hurt anyone…although I’m not convinced my actions were at all thoughtful. See? I have my work cut out for me in 2010. *!tosses confetti!*
YogaforCynics (11)
ann (8)
Grace (7)
Jennifer (6)
Bird (5)
Bossy Betty (5)
Chrissy (5)
Lana (5)
I don’t mean to laugh but I can’t help it because that sounds like something I would do. If you come up with any solutions could you share them with me please….lol
ann´s last blog post ..Since you asked
Twitter: hou07grl
seems I can relate too. The truth that I have seen played out in my own family, and elsewhere, is that they’re all we have. Good or bad. Sending a card is not such a big deal. Calling occasionally to just say hi is not such a big deal. Put everything in its proper perspective. If your siblings are being just plain hateful to you, then you are probably justified in backing out of that drama. But if they’re just all wound up in their own world and acting a little thoughtless, we have to forgive. They’re not doing it to you, they’re just doing it. Again, perspective.
Granted, I don’t know your history, so I may be way off base. So just take my perspective for what it’s worth. May be worth nothing at all.
cheers–Diane
Diane´s last blog post ..Blackout blues
It’s a difficult situation–on the one hand, not wanting to give the impression that everything’s okay, but, on the other, not wanting to cut the sibling off entirely. My mom went through something similar with the crazy relative who sent her abusive e-mails right after my dad died–this weekend she told me that, having gotten no response to her (overly generous, in my opinion) peace-making overtures over the past four years, she’s cut the relative out of her will. Then, I’ve known people who keep up the familial formalities no matter what–like a woman I know whose family cut off all contact with her when she came out as a lesbian, but continued sending Christmas and birthday presents every year, and she reciprocated…which I find objectionable for a number of reasons, but I guess maybe they saw it as acknowledging the family bond was still there no matter what…
YogaforCynics´s last blog post ..The Limits of Good Behavior
Love the photo, which goes along with the text in such an evocative way, too, by the way…
YogaforCynics´s last blog post ..The Limits of Good Behavior
Cool photo! It’s like looking out at a brand new year. The confetti was a nice touch too. :)
I must say that I am impressed that you even remember your sibling’s wedding anniversary! I don’t have the slightest idea what date it is for my sis (but maybe you were in the wedding, I was not so it’s easy to forget). I think that sending the card was in good balance, especially in light of certain self-discoveries you wrote about in this post. Good goin’.
Lydia´s last blog post ..the bearable lightness of being
I don’t send wedding anniversary cards to anyone really, not even my sister. I kinda figure it’s a private thing, unless it’s a big deal number like 25 years or something like that.
I truly get your situation here. It’s been a long, long time since I gave or received a present from my brother, in the far off alien planet he lives on (in reality, a 20 minute drive from my parents’ place). And I’m good with that.
On the other hand, despite my rather semi-estranged relationship with my parents, they continue with gift giving for birthdays and Christmases and I *know* I’m expected to reciprocate. It seems like a surreal game where we might as well just be handing each other money as actual gifts, certainly for all the thought that (doesn’t) go into it. Case in point: I gave my mother a Borders gift voucher for her birthday and she and dad gave me one for Christmas. It’s kind of pointless in some ways, as though no one wants to call an end to the charade but at the same time, there’s as much sincere emotion in it as you get when checking the mailbox for new deliveries. Or, perhaps that’s over-stating things?
Only you can know what to do about your sibling and if/when you choose to continue/cease trying to be friendly. It can be both different and not different when it comes to family. Do they really deserve your attention or not? I know that I can be the same… I’ll do almost anything for people, perhaps in an attempt to get them to like me or approve of me, It’s only once I’ve been kicked in the guts for perhaps the tenth time that I eventually walk away.
Mind you, it is possible for those family/friends I’ve walked away from, to win my friendship back if they put in enough effort. I’d forgive them unquestionably as long as it was genuine. I guess part of the problem there is that since I’ve pretty much given up, I assume the other party has, too. And I guess that place of apathy/surrender is tough to change once you’ve arrived.
Happy New Year!
Svasti´s last blog post ..Back in the land of sun
I wrote about friendship today, which on some level, applies here too. Why waste energy on relationships that just take too much work? I’m slowly, but surely, finding they aren’t worth the effort and that it is okay to just smile and move on. We don’t have to hate, but putting our time into relationships that are empty just isn’t worth it anymore. I hope you sort this out for yourself. Personally, I think the the dog has got it going on.
:)
Lin´s last blog post ..Friendship at 40
Congratulations…Big step – just keep asking the people around to remind you when you forget…
Grace´s last blog post ..And the answer is…
Twitter: craftybird
Oh wow, this is sooooo familiar…
I ended up brooding over any communications with my family for days on end, so I get how huge a minefield this can be and that it’s really difficult to make the choice as to how you want to carry on.
I just want to applaud you for seeing what’s going on and thinking about it with care and wanting to be as kind to yourself as you are to others. It’s a really important thing to consider your own needs and feelings and find the honest way to proceed from there. I ended up choosing to keep my family at arms length – it wasn’t and easy choice but it was so much more honest from both sides, and I think we all kind of relaxed after I made that decision. Don’t kick yourself too hard for having spent a lot of time thinking about this stuff either – I think you have to go through that process in order to know what you really need and want to do.
xxx
Bird´s last blog post ..Happy Holidays!
My first impression is that being caught up in this way of thinking is NOT selfish. There are reasons that you go through this and the key is to figure out why or at the very least to try stopping, not because the ones around you are suffering (though Lucy looks pretty happy to me and it’s good to treat the ones you love with your full attention), but because it’s not good for you either.
And I don’t send out anniversary cards to anyone — though I also struggle with these sorts of thoughts, too. What I do instead (and I don’t recommend this) is to think about the birthday or anniversary or Father’s Day for weeks, do nothing about it,then feel guilty and avoid contact with the wronged party. I’ve gotten better, but it’s a process, like everything else.
Jennifer´s last blog post ..The power of positive and sometimes delusional thinking
Twitter: chrissymarie321
I once went on the most brilliant course for women managers. I can remember wishing that all women could do it…because it was so fantastic and really was life skills rather than management. Oddly enough it was probably the only course I ever went on that was useful. But, I did learn that women are much more prone to beating themselves up about their decisions for loads of reasons.
It is good that you are recognising that need to seek approval because it is clearly affecting relationships with the family and perhaps something you need to address a little. However, I don’t think you are being selfish…. you perhaps just need to practice saying No without providing justificiation i.e say No and nothing else at all…..it is unbelievably difficult but brilliant when you finally crack it ;-)
Chrissy´s last blog post ..Winter Wonderland
Twitter: earthtoholly
Hi there, ann, and please don’t apologize, but please DO laugh! It’s pretty pitiful, isn’t it? The crap we hoo-mans choose to waste time over. Keyword: choose.
*
Hi, Diane, and thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate them and hear what you’re saying. I think I have the right perspective on this. YogaforCynics’ first line is right on and why, to me, sending a card is a big deal. I kinda struck a…ahem…”happy” medium by sending one, but with none of my usual exuberance—a subtlety that I hope sends a message. Why I sent it in the first place is another story, though. Click on “sibling” for some background, if you dare. :o)
*
Exactly, drjay. Like I wrote to Diane, I hope she picks up on the subtlety. I guess I just want her to know that I mean business and am not brushing off her behavior as usual. There are a few reasons why I sent the card, some of which, sadly, show that I’m still putting up with the behavior…and fulfilling my people-pleasing duties…argh. So, the crazy relative worked him/herself right out of a possible friendship and a will. Well, good for your mom. I hope her decision brings her some peace. Holy cow…4 years…how kind of her to give the relative the benefit of the doubt for as long as she did. As for your friend, don’t get me started… I don’t think I can think of anything worse for a child than for parents to hold the child’s “self” against him/her. And the gifts—some sort of repentance? What in the hell is wrong with people anyway? I feel for your friend and hope she has plenty of support elsewhere in her life—of course she does, she has you!
*
Thanks on the pic, drjay. I, too, thought it was fitting…somehow.
*
Thanks so much, Lydia, and I’m glad you liked my mini-celebration…woo-hoo! Don’t give me too much credit…if it weren’t on 1/1, I’m not sure if I would remember. And yeah, I guess it didn’t hurt. Still, I know I didn’t send it for all the right reasons. But I’ll learn. I think. Time to throw more confetti!
Although it may be difficult to learn things about ourselves, it’s the only path to understanding & self-improvement. Congratulations on being able to accept what W had to say, rather than get defensive & go into denial. I’m glad you sent the card. My bro had been clearly & quietly forcing us out of their lives for a while now, but I refused to give up. I was delighted when he called me out of the blue on New Year’s Eve, albeit drunked up some, to thank us for the presents we’d sent for his kids, to say that he’s been thinking about me & that we need to get together again. Quiet tenacity sometimes wins the day.
Lana´s last blog post ..Fontainebleau, Weather & Shoulder Update
Twitter: jodapoet
Holly, this is something I have learned to do. I’ve learned the hard way, but I’ve learned. Whenever face with something like this the thing to do is look at your intentions. If your intentions are negative in nature, meaning you are sending it as a preemptive strike or you are sending it to show you are the better person etc… then, don’t send it. If your intentions come directly from the heart rather than the ego then it’s what you should do. I always now ask myself that question before doing anything – like I said, I learned the hard way. Once you’ve learned to do this, you’ll intuitively know how to handle these situations and you’ll feel better about everything. Bottom line, don’t sweat it, it’s done.
Joanne Olivieri´s last blog post ..Iditarod Dreams
Twitter: jodapoet
BTW, LOVE the photo.
Joanne Olivieri´s last blog post ..Iditarod Dreams
This comes as a shock to me.’
I have never felt you to be a people pleaser. In fact, I feel you are quite the opposite! Stubborn on the outside, soft on the inside, but always stubborn, nonetheless. But on the outside.
Perhaps, though, on the inside….you seek for all that approval….
Do not fret….you can now leave that in last year….!
Charity
C´s last blog post ..Eros
Hi Svasti. My family has slowed down considerably on the gift-giving at Christmas, and as far as other occasions, usually a phone call or a card. For my parents’ birthdays and anniversaries I usually call, then we all get together for dinner when I visit. Very low stress. Although I sent the card, I sent it for the wrong reasons I’m afraid, so I will need to work on that. I see what you mean about gift-giving…it’s a touchy thing. Some people see gifting as a show of love, which is fine, but also see a lack of gifting the same as saying, “I don’t care,” which, personally, I don’t think is fair. I guess you just have to know what kind of personality you’re dealing with. As for your family/friends you walked away from—if it’s someone who you think deserves your attention, isn’t it worth another try to mend your relationship? Even though you think they may’ve given up? Maybe they haven’t. I hope that works out for you and thank you for your insight here. :o)
*
Hi Lin and you’re right. I’ll figure it out. I need to realize what problems are on my part—the people-pleasing is definitely one. You’re also right on “…the dog has it going on.” Lucy wouldn’t put up with all this crap. :o)
*
Hi Grace and thanks. That’s a good idea—I’ll remember that. :o)
*
Hi there Bird and thank you for your kind words. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had to keep your distance with your own family. It’s so sad, isn’t it? I mean, they’re your family, dammit. If you can’t feel completely comfortable with them…well, I am a dreamer. While the tantrum is her problem, how I handle it is mine, so that’s that. I need to concentrate on correcting my own behavior. I can’t do anything about hers, and nothing I say will change what she thinks about me, so I best be on my way. I’m glad that you’ve found some peace in your own decision…I’m sure I’ll find mine. *hugs and happy new year to you*
*
Hi, Jennifer, and thanks so much for your thoughts. I guess it’s not the worst kind of selfish, but it feels like I’m putting what I feel I have to do before all else. I read that it’s possible this kind of behavior stems from one’s relationship with parents. My parents were on the strict side, and I can remember occasionally asking them, “Was I a good girl?” (I know, weird, huh?) following evenings of having guests over. Not that I’m blaming them, but maybe that kinda explains things…maybe not. And, oh my gosh…what you described…I do that too. And not only over special dates. In my case I think it stems from my procrastination. Something else to work on this year… :o| *Jennifer…W thinks you look like the Mona Lisa in your gravatar :o)*
*
Hi Chrissy and thanks. Yeah, saying “no” without justification…ergh…there’s always that uncomfortable silence where you feel compelled to explain yourself. But like you said, once you get the hang of it… I think that now that I realize how I react, I’ll think twice about it. Thanks for your insight, Chrissy. It’s really appreciated. :o)
*
Hi Lana and I agree. I think we only need to look inside to find the answers to most of our irks. I do get defensive sometimes—depends on what—and not rightly so—but I think the older I get, the more I realize that, hey, it’s not always someone else’s problem….hello! That’s nice that your brother has made an effort to mend your relationship. I hope his communications continue.
*
Hi Joanne, and thank you so much for those thoughts. Wow. It would be nice if I could’ve figured that out for myself, but I didn’t. A lot of times I kid myself into thinking I’m doing the right thing, not thinking of my intentions at all. Those are excellent words to live by. May I remember them and heed them. And thank you…I’m glad you like the photo. :o)
*
Hi Charity. You know, I’m probably all those things, but yes, definitely a people-pleaser. Sounds kinda nice, but it isn’t. It involves a lot of misguided intentions and stuff. But, yeah, I plan on leaving all that behind. Happy New Year!
I find that in situations like this the less thought invested the better. Send the card, don’t send it- whatever’s easiest and costs you the least time and worry. In short, follow your first impulse. People-pleaser? Why question your motives or put a label on your actions? -do what you feel like and then forget it!
nothingprofound´s last blog post ..
Hi nothingprofound and you’re probably right. I need to question my motives, though, because I realize that doing what I feel isn’t always doing what I want or doing it for the right reasons. I really think Joanne is right on when she suggests looking at intentions, which I’ll try to do from now on.