This is not a post for those who are high on the holidays, though you may want to stick around if you need to come down a little.
Recently I’ve been revisited by what I call bleak time. It usually starts around 3 or 4 am, and runs an anxious course, ended either by a slow re-introduction to sleep or by just giving in, saying “what the hell” and rising to start the day. Going the early bird route guarantees distractions, which pretty much end, for awhile, the festering, obsessive thoughts on which bleak time feeds. Always the saddest hours of the day, they are filled with emptiness, yet always have plenty of room for feelings of hopelessness, angst and sometimes even fear. Upon waking, the mind is groggy and barren, but then slowly it starts to fill…
The latest wakings have been prompted by a culmination of family stuff…the loss of my dad, and specifically, the mental flogging by a contentious sibling a few days after my dad’s passing. A full day’s cold shoulder—typical flogger behavior—was capped by harsh words because my mother was helped, at her own request, to make some household changes—things to help her save money and make the house more mom-friendly. The offender—or offended, depending on how you see things—thought the changes were “too soon” and accused me of sweeping my father’s memory under the rug.
Hmmm, unforgivable words there, for sure. Needless to say, a tirade ensued, in a very un-Earth-to-Holly fashion…uh, maybe not. And the cold shoulder remains. And I’d be surprised if it didn’t. Because that’s the way it always is.
So, bleak time is just thrilled with me. It has a new life and a whole new menu of crap.
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Ahhh, families are great for that sort of thing! What do they say about not being able to choose our family? Yeah.
I remember my grandmother’s passing – where my mother was trying to help my grandad with a few things (her father in law) and one of my bitchy cousins showed off her really REALLY bitchy side. Then, more recently when my grandad passed… the mother of that cousin, my dad’s sister, behaving like one of those stereotypical money grubbing relatives, showing more interest in cleaning out the house of things she wanted, than she did in grieving for her own father.
I’ve always said, deaths and weddings bring out the worst in some people. It’s certainly been my observation anyway.
Not everyone is as practical as you are, Holly. Not only were you doing things that were going to make your mother’s life easier, you were showing her a lot of love and care in taking those actions. I’m sure it can’t have been easy for you.
Even though the snow is thick and you’re in the middle of the hide-away-from-the-world time of year, make sure you let Lucy encourage you to go outside. See some daylight. It helps. *hugs*
Svasti´s last blog post ..Walking the line
When we lost my dad a few years ago just after the holiday season came to an end we went through a terrible time. One of my siblings felt my father had chosen the wrong executor to give power of attorney to. He wanted that “job” for himself. Well as he had such an enormous and unhealthy influence over my mom, who was becoming senile, my father did indeed make the correct choice. That fact didn’t stop the offended sibling from ranting and raging against my father while we were grieving his passing. After 24 hours of his ranting and bullying I visited with each of my other siblings privately. We agreed that we had had more than enough of little brother and his emotional attacks. We put him out on the doorstep. That’s where things have remained. We are a family with “the baby” on the outside looking in. The return of this season every year is not a happy one for me when I reflect on the past, so instead I remain focused on the “now moment”. I enjoy my Winter Solstice celebrations with my friends and light a candle for my dad.
timethief´s last blog post ..ozonebaby:That magic blanket that wraps itself about us, that…
I am up at 2:30 or 3:00 or 3:30, no later than 4:00 just about every single day, and I usually stay up. Also, I get up at about midnight and go back to bed for a while. Since it is time that people are not supposed to be up doing anything, I feel that I can do what ever I want. I don’t have to accomplish anything. I don’t feel obligated to be productive. Now I have a name that I can use for it, “Bleak Time”
My life is bleak now. I don’t see it changing soon either.
I believe you were correct in what you were doing. You must know that. It’s a shame that a person’s failing has to make them strike out at others. Your sibling is the one with the problem, not you.
[excuse the cliche] This, too shall pass. The holiday will too, not soon enough for me.
Please feel better.
btw I live in HOLLY Stream Condos
Gregory J. Sherbine´s last blog post ..More Posting
Ah, family stuff. I hate family stuff.
Interesting how people behave and the things they say when times are tough. Funny how old, deep-seated feelings surface, causing some to say some really odd, hurtful, and lingering words. In some way, it is like they are showing their true colors, but it may also be that they are acting out of their own grief unvisited. Either way, things are said that cannot be taken back.
Everyone is dealing with their grief and their own live changing by the loss of another. Do what you can to help yourself and your mom. Shut your mind off if you wake and think–things ALWAYS seem worse at 2:00 am, haven’t you noticed?? Evil lurks in the pillow folds at that hour and nothing is as complicated as a problem at that hour. Learn to say to yourself “I’ll worry about it in the morning” and focus on something else until you can sleep again.
I’m sorry that all of this has happened. It’s sad that things are now going to be very different for all of you. Sometimes, it isn’t family that is there for you–it is the people we choose to be with–friends–who remind us that we are doing the right things and that we don’t always have to forgive and forget just because it is “family”. Turn to them now and learn to laugh again. It will happen, believe me. With or without “family”. It’s great if they come around, but if they don’t, you survive.
Good luck. Peace to you and your mom.
Lin´s last blog post ..Semi-Wordless Wednesday: Santa and his "helper"
Twitter: hou07grl
so sorry for the drama and the loss of your parents; it seems you are feeling that loss keenly now. Thankfully, that anger is not about you and not inside you. Breathe, forgive, love. Nourish the source of your own joy.
Diane´s last blog post ..Rainbow bridge
I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time right now Holly. As if losing your father wasn’t bad enough but to add this on to it. Why is it that family always seems to have a way of doing this kind of thing to each other.
I don’t see how making changes to make life easier on your mom could be considered sweeping your dads memory under the rug. As cruel as it may sound to some, life does go on and those that are left to carry on need to do just that in the easiest way possible. The way I see it, if you were to put off making changes it could possibly only prolong your mom’s grieving.
Hang in there and try and enjoy your holiday. A big hug for you.
ann´s last blog post ..Quick and easy ornament
Twitter: jodapoet
Holly, I am so sorry for all you are going through right now. Unfortunately death in the family always brings out the worst behavior in siblings. I could write a book with all the crap that went on in my family when my parents died. What I’ve learned is that everyone has issues and eventually, with time it does heal and forgiveness takes over. Right now, it is way too soon. The insomnia issue stems from all that has happened. I think maybe getting up at that hour and writing your thoughts down in a journal may help. I know when my Mom died, I wrote continuously for months and it was my therapy. You have to know that this will pass it just needs a little time and space. As for your siblings, maybe a little time and space there will help as well.
I will keep you in my thoughts and say that you just need to do what feels right for you. You need to put yourself first now. Take care and try to enjoy this holiday. Just looking at Lucy will make you smile :) xoxo
Joanne Olivieri´s last blog post ..The Tree Brigade
Ugh. So sorry to hear about this ugliness on top of your grief and mourning. While I certainly don’t know anything more about your sibling than what you say here, I think people deal with grief in a lot of different ways. Some people really don’t know any way to react to pain except to lash out in some misguided instinct for self-defense. So, perhaps, since since your sibling can’t hurt death, s/he ends up hurting you instead.
Fortunately, my brothers and I, not known for getting along, pulled together pretty successfully when my dad died, and I found myself able to understand my dad , and express my love for him, far better than when he was alive. The only contention in the family involved a crazy relative who flipped out and sent my mom an abusive e-mail three days after dad’s death (though that was certainly ugly enough).
But, all things must pass. I once read one of those Zen master stories, in which some wealthy and powerful guy went to see the local Zen master and asked for a sign that his life would be prosperous. The Zen master wrote down three sentences: “Grandfather dies. Father dies. Son dies.” The guy of course found this perplexing, asked what it meant. The Zen master explained that this was the best possible course of events–with grandfather, father, and son dying in the correct order, since dying out of order would cause so much more suffering for the grandfather or grandfather having to mourn their offspring.
Not sure if that helps. You’re in my thoughts, Holly, and the hoidays will be over soon.
YogaforCynics´s last blog post ..This Actually Happened…
Twitter: chrissymarie321
Hi Holly, I so remember those feelings of waking up in the small hours, thinking that things were bad and realising they were indeed worse.
Some of it, you will not be able to break away from because it is so natural and and it happens because you loved him and miss him. That’s it in a nutshell.
There is something different with your sister’s behaviour, it could be one of two things.
1. She IS feeling guilty for some reason an is trying to pass off that guilt onto you.. not uncommon.
2. She is jealous of your relationship with your Dad and is lashing out because she hurts.
Only you know the answers to that. However, when you realise cause, it is easier to deal with the effect…
The saddest thing would be for you to take notice of those words. Please don’t do it…I always think guilt is the most awful of all emotions that can be experienced on losing someone. In my eyes, it is bad enough to feel that ache in your heart without additional negative feelings.
As an aside, everyone is different but I used to find a quiet place and go talk to my bruv, it helped.
HugsXX
Chrissy´s last blog post ..Merry Christmas
Twitter: chrissymarie321
Oh, and on reading this back….used to is not quite right, I still do :D
Chrissy´s last blog post ..Merry Christmas
I felt right at home inside this post and you have given a name to a phenomenon that I’ve been experiencing for maybe a half year. It’s usually just after I’ve first drifted off to sleep (since I go to bed anywhere between 1:00-5:00 a.m. it isn’t time-hitched) and I wake suddenly in a dark panic. I don’t stay awake very long but for the time I’m in this state it is indeed a mini hell. One thing I must do in the new year is to equalize my sleeping pattern, i.e., go to bed by 2:00 a.m. and see how that will improve other things in my life.
My sis and I were basically estranged for nine years prior to our mother’s death in 2000. I saw her once during that time, and briefly at that. She did not come to Oregon during our mother’s illness, and did not come for the memorial service afterward-staying in the midwest. In 2001 she and her family came out here and we had a good visit and since then we’ve haltingly been repairing our relationship (not a close one…we’ve spoken on the phone twice in eight years). Some years have been better than others. This year we’ve had less contact than ever. In fact, I have more contact with her 16-year-old son via Facebook than I do with her. And, now, this holiday? Nada. Not a word from her. I sent a gift and know it was received because I tracked it. No card, no email, of course no call. I’m sinking inside again, wondering what in the hell did I do this time that she has misinterpreted……obviously, we are not on a wavelength. And this time? If I don’t hear from her I will let it go. I must. I cannot take any more of the drama.
You are not alone. But it feels like it, I know. You’ve done right to reach out to us ‘cuz we are here for you and, unlike family, we do not judge!
Lydia´s last blog post ..Old Postcard Wednesday–Vintage Christmas Postcard
Twitter: earthtoholly
Oh my, Svasti.
All the to-do surrounding your grandparents sounds awful. And more interest in their possessions rather than their memory? Ugh. I’m sure, like you say, that weddings and funerals bring out the worst, but unfortunately, the behavior I described here can crop up at any time…usually unpredictable, always irrational. Actually, it sounds like Lydia and I are dealing with one and the same and I feel for her.
Thank you so much for your kind words and insight, Svasti. It’s interesting to see what others experience in these situations. And, yes, Lucy does take good care!
Twitter: earthtoholly
Hi tt and thanks for stopping by,
What you’ve described is so heartbreaking, but it sounds as if you and your other siblings had no choice. Peace in numbers, huh? I think some personalities just can’t be dealt with, and it’s up to us to decide just how much we’re willing to put up with before taking drastic measures. I know one thing—for the most part, people don’t change and I don’t expect to see change here.
I’m sorry that this season is such a sad one for you, but it sounds as if you’ve found your way to cope as best you can. Your candle is a nice idea…a quiet and peaceful tribute to your dad. Thank you for your thoughts and a Happy Winter Solstice to you.
Twitter: earthtoholly
Hi Gregory,
Thank you for your comments…I don’t think I’ve seen you here before.
You know, your awake time in the wee hours doesn’t necessarily need to be “bleak time.” It sounds like it may be…or could be…a treasured part of the day. Like you said, no obligations and you can do whatever you like. As for your life that you feel is bleak—this, too, shall pass. Right?
I know I, we—the innocent significant other was also sucked into this—did the right thing. Funny thing is, a few of the things that we took care of were, just the day before, discussed and the sibling asked me to put them on my list of things to do.
Take care…
Holly-It’s only natural that you feel this emptiness, this meaninglessness after the loss of your father. I’d be astonished if you didn’t. Much of the squabbling and busyness over practical matters that begins after a loved one’s death is an attempt to defer the inevitable grief and lack of motivation that will follow. It all gets better again with time. One’s interest and energy slowly return. But as for now just accept that your spirits will probably sink now and that that’s par for the course.
nothingprofound´s last blog post ..
Twitter: earthtoholly
Hi Lin,
I’m with you…I hate family stuff, too.
And I think your first paragraph there is right on…true colors definitely, grief unvisited, probably. The behavior is nothing new, but I didn’t think that a hurtful incident a few years ago could be topped…with those words, it was.
Thank you for the kind words. They’re helpful…they really are.
Twitter: earthtoholly
Hi Diane,
Sorry to subject you—and others here—to such drama. I tried to keep it to a minimum, but I’m afraid it runs in the family. I hate it, don’t you?
I’m afraid there is anger within me, but I think I’m used to it now…just tired of it. I can breathe, maybe love—cause it’s family, you know—but I don’t think I can forgive. Maybe, if there were an apology for those words, but that’s not gonna happen.
Thank you, though, for your kind words and stopping to comment.
Twitter: earthtoholly
Hi there, ann,
You’re exactly right. Delaying setting my mom up would’ve been stressful for her. My father had always taken care of everything. But he was very organized, and I know for certain that he knew we kids would be able to set her up to be self-sufficient. Two weeks later, she felt comfortable with all that she had to take care of, and W and I headed home, happy that we were able to help…happy that she finally felt confident enough to want us out of there!
There is a lot of ugly history with the sibling, but knowing I was close to him…how the hell she found the nerve to accuse me of that, I’ll never know.
Crap, am I still bitching?
*hugs* back to ya, ann!
You are young yet – as you get older you learn how to say “no” and “good-bye” to the toxic people you encounter – regardless of their relationship to you. You know, and your Mom knows why changes were made – this offensive person – the hell with them, truly.
Peace -
Grace´s last blog post ..For My Brother Who Lives In Florida
Twitter: earthtoholly
Hi Joanne,
Thank you and would you believe that reading all of your comments is good therapy? I am fine, really. I’ve been thinking of posting about this for awhile, and then when I started waking and overthinking, it seemed like now was as good a time as any. We’re two states apart and that does make a difference…I can’t imagine otherwise.
Lucy is good therapy, too. She definitely takes your mind off what’s ailin’ ya. Nothing relieves stress like kickin around a tennis ball in knee-deep snow!
Happy holidays and a big hug to you, too, Joanne.
Twitter: earthtoholly
Hi drjay,
You may certainly be right about the “misguided instinct,” but she also exhibits this type of behavior in other situations…or no situation at all, for that matter. When things are good, she’s as normal and sweet as can be, but if she’s having personal problems or you don’t live up to her expectations, which I never have, her wrath is felt. Lydia’s comment, “I’m sinking inside again, wondering what in the hell did I do this time that she has misinterpreted…” is so familiar to me. If our mother weren’t here, I can imagine our relationship being much like that of Lydia and her sister. Sad, but I’m now where Lydia is…sick of the drama.
How nice that you and your brothers put your differences aside. Your mother must’ve been very grateful for that. Not so grateful, I’m sure, for the crazy relative. Is he still loose, by the way?
I like the Zen story and you always help, drjay. Hope you and your family have a very nice holiday!
I felt I must provide you with a follow-up to my comments. On Christmas Eve day a package arrived from my sister. There are a couple small gifts (one, I can tell, is a book so I’m excited about that) and a card addressed to my husband and me, and I placed them under our tree to open on Christmas morning. Receiving that made the rest of the day so much lighter, although I’m wary after such a lack of communication this year. And so we continue on the tender path of ….not reconciliation, but ….. of redefinition.
I tell you this not to imply “chin-up, all will be OK in the end” but to, I guess, say how important it is to honor how you are feeling along the way. Because it’s in those touchpoints where you admit to yourself (and even to others) that this is my drama boundary, or my heartbreak hill, or my quicksand alert ….it’s in that honesty where you define your own process and who to include in it or to exclude from it, for now …or forever.
Have a peaceful day, you and Lucy.
Lydia´s last blog post ..Old Postcard Wednesday–Vintage Christmas Postcard
Twitter: earthtoholly
Hi Chrissy,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful words.
Like you said, it’s those “additional negative feelings” that really get to me. Whether she feels guilty or not, I’m not sure…my usually judgmental self won’t go much further than that. Whether she feels jealous…probably not. She and my mother have always been close and are…ahem…a lot alike. While I didn’t fall too far from the mom tree—as W can attest—I have always been closer to, and more like, my dad.
I’m usually easily guilted, but I know I have nothing to feel bad about. I had already been there a month—no complaints, as I’m thankful I was there with my dad and wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else—but the sooner these things were taken care of for my mom, the sooner I, W and Lucy could leave for home.
I am so sorry about your brother and am glad that talking with him gives you peace in hard times. I can imagine that doing the same with my dad will help me, too.
Thanks again, Chrissy.
Twitter: earthtoholly
Hi there, Lydia,
And I felt right at home inside your comment.
I’m sorry that you’re experiencing those panicky wakings. I at least know what’s causing mine and have been working to turn off the nagging thoughts as soon as they creep in. Hopefully, the change in sleeping habits will help you…I really hope so.
You and your sister’s relationship seems to have the same aura as my and my sister’s…especially the part about wondering what’s been misinterpreted. My sister and I are 18 years apart, so we each essentially grew up as only children, with the same parents and in different states. We lived very different childhoods, and to add more oddness, she is actually my half sister (my dad adopted me when he married my mother). But, I’ve never felt that we were anything other than a traditional family, except for the nonsensical behavior, of course. So, I don’t know. She’s a my-way-or-the-highway kind and one of her favorite lines is “we’ll have to agree to disagree,” so I really don’t even hold out hope for compromise. I really just want to stop caring.
I was glad to see your followup, Lydia. I understand that feeling of “much lighter” and hope that your sister continues to send you positive signs. Sometimes I IM my sister, just to get a feel for where she’s at…hoping for a sign that will make my day “much lighter.” Pitiful. I understand what you’re saying and I think you said it very eloquently…about honoring how I feel.
Yes, you all were here for me…you poor souls! I do appreciate it as reading others’ perspectives has helped me see things more clearly.
I hope your holiday was a good one and that you’re feeling much love and peace! :o)
I have no siblings and lately I haven’t had the panicked early wake-ups, but I understand that feeling of running over things in your head and the pain of grief and of the mental soundtrack that won’t stop and wants to keep you anxious. So I’m sorry about that. Yes, grief does strange things to people and families can cause great pain. I hope you are feeling better tonight.
Jennifer´s last blog post ..Thug life
Twitter: earthtoholly
Hi nothingprofound,
I think I’m dealing with the loss of my dad in a healthy way, if that makes sense, but I’m finding it hard to live with the unnecessary “squabbling,” as you’ve put it, that spilled over. The words were so hurtful that I don’t think I can forgive, and I see forgiveness as saying, “What you’ve done is all right.” I realize that I’m probably only hurting myself with this thinking, but right now I don’t know what else to do.
I can say that your and others’ perspectives have helped, so I thank all of you for that. :o)
Twitter: earthtoholly
Hi Grace,
I love your opening of “You are young yet…” and I think I’ll leave it at that. :o) :o)
I know what you’re saying about getting older and finally taking a stand against toxic relationships. It’s the sibling thing that makes me think twice. Believe me, if she weren’t a relative, I would’ve been long gone. Not that I haven’t thought, “to hell with her”…or worse.
Thanks for your perspective, Grace. Like I told Lydia and nothingprofound, all of your comments really are helping. They’re giving me new paths to explore to work through this.
Hope you had a beautiful holiday!
Twitter: earthtoholly
Hi Jennifer,
Heh…mental soundtrack.
I’m okay now and will be until the next incident. Before the inevitable happens, though, I must prepare myself and know my stand. I know from experience that reasoning won’t work, so maybe I’ll just need to state my case and go on my way, ignoring any bad vibes. I just have to find myself some guts and deal with it.
I’m glad that those panicky wakings have decided to leave you alone…hopefully forever, though it seems like something always crops up. I hope not.
I hope you had a great holiday…thought about you when we had all the snow and wondered if you missed it. The rain has showed the snow who’s boss—it’s almost completely gone now!
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